Being a Feminist Is Impossible

That's it, guys. I'm calling it: being a feminist is impossible.

I've tried. I've tried to live in complete awareness of every bias in the universe, to be fully gracious and yet fully self-aware, while also proving to everyone that a woman is as much of a person as a man is, but I think I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. 

It started years ago. I worked really really hard to do well in junior high, high school, and college, and spent years preparing for the PSAT, SAT, ACT, and LSAT, because 

Source: Breitbart

I took advanced classes in subjects I hated, like Pre-AP Algebra (I & II), Pre-AP Pre-Calculus, and AP Calculus, because it's my job to undo the damage done by

Source: Daily Mail Online

But all of that reading, writing, and 'rithmetic created another problem, so I also tried really hard to be sociable, conversational, and a good listener, because everyone knows that 

Source: Telegraph

When I got my dream job making people laugh at summer camp, I worked even harder to make every bit of onstage action as funny as possible, because I had to prove Christopher Hitchens wrong when he told the world

Source: Vanity Fair

and I also had to show up the consummate gentleman Jerry Lewis, because 

Source: IBT

Which meant that I had to strive even harder to be sociable, conversational, and a good listener (what Mr. Lewis might call my "qualities"), because

Source: The science section of Daily Mail Online (obviously not the grammar section (oh no, wit!))

At camp, I read and prayed and asked wiser women how to reconcile being a strong woman with my faith, and came to the conclusion that the God of politician-warrior Deborah, genocide-preventer Esther, spy-rescuer Rahab, and lady-deacon Phoebe must have made women to do work as important as what any man could do. But there were still many who were very eager to tell me 

Source: Girl Defined

I've tried to explain that feminism is not about woman>man, but woman=man. And just like in math, whatever you add to one side of the equation has to be balanced out on the other. Qualified woman=qualified man. Unqualified woman<qualified man. Qualified woman>unqualified man. I've never thought I was better or more deserving of something than a man was, unless I've worked harder and was better at it than he was. I don't want a handicap; just an equal playing field. And yet my identification as "feminist" still gets painted in an extreme and inaccurate light when

Source: Media Matters

In college, I learned the difference between first-wave feminism (late 1700s-early 1900s, Girls Just Wanna Have Political Rights), second-wave feminism (mid 1900s, Girls Just Wanna Have Social Equality), and third-wave feminism (late 1900s-early 2000s, Girls [of All Shapes, Sizes, and Colors] Just Wanna Have the Power to Define What Girls Wanna Have). I learned that being a housewife can be just as feminist as being an executive, if being a housewife is the path that you chose for yourself. Luckily, feminists all understand the inclusiveness and respect that are crucial to third-wave feminism, and strive to support each other through every-

Source: XO Jane

Source: The Daily Beast

Of course, some of the most prominent women in our nation have spoken up to defend stay-at-home moms and working moms, not at all valuing one over the oth-

Source: CNN, and remember that she said this in 1992, so be nice

Helpfully, I've been able to watch women I admire go through the same struggles. While I was busting my butt in six AP classes in high school, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were busting their butts on their network TV shows. What a time to be alive! Successful women everywhere rejoiced! Together, we could celebrate the visibility and achievements of-

Source: Gawker

Oh, right. 

Hillary Clinton and Taylor Swift are the reasons I'm giving up, actually. I've spent years of trying to pass through the eye of the Being Likeable Needle while hauling the Proving What Women Can Do Camel on my back, but these two women have brought me to my breaking point. 

Here's why: I don't like them.

I just don't like Hillary. I'm gonna vote for her, but I don't like her. I'm gonna support her, but I'm not excited about it. She's just not likeable! The only thing is that I keep reading these great articles about everything that's working against a perception of Hillary as "likeable," and I start to feel like maybe I'm being played by a system that, as Tina Fey put it in Bossypants, requires that "All Women Must Be Everything." 

With Taylor, it's a slightly different thing but also exactly the same. As anyone who's ever talked to me knows or could guess, I have an affinity for Tom Hiddleston (we shared prolonged eye contact during his Shakespearean monologue in London in 2014 it's fine I'm fine everything's fine). As of late, Taylor and Tom have been caught up in a whirlwind romance, and I don't like it. Why? I could give reasons that make me sound like a better person, but honestly, it's because it seems to affirm the Guys Don't Like Smart Women thing from above. I've seen too many intellectual guys date women who don't care about history, literature, or science to be happy about a classically trained Shakespearean actor dating a pop star. But, again, are these feelings just borne of a system that wants women to compete for male attention/makes me feel inadequate for not being as hot as T.Swift/perpetuates the idea that just because she's not into 17th century literature means she isn't smart? Taylor Swift is actually pretty brilliant. But maybe more importantly... she shouldn't have to be brilliant to date someone who wants to date her.

The idea that I, a certified Real Woman (despite lack of curves), could be sexist without knowing it is called internalized misogyny. It's the horror movie realization that the call is coming from inside the house! It's the terrible epiphany that something I have spent my whole life working to stamp out is still inside my brain somewhere, like an ugly sewer lizard waiting to surface.

I can spend my whole life gently explaining to classmates that (while I agree that people should all be nice) a woman doesn't owe a man attention at a bar, and responding to the "compliment" that I'm the only funny woman by gently giving examples of the 4,000,000 women that I know who are also funny, and breathing through the aggravation when a date tells me that women's hands and feet are always cold because "all the blood is rushing to your wombs," but I still may not be able to even get rid of my own biases against my sex.

Of course, being a feminist does not mean that you have to like all women ever, just like being an extrovert doesn't mean you have to be around people all the time and being a Pokemon fan doesn't mean you have to talk about it all the time, DOUG. But I've been so worried about whether my dislike is real or constructed that I'm just too tired to be a feminist anymore. 

And you know what's awful? I'm still trying to figure out where to fit in a paragraph to caveat my intro. I want to let you know that I liked working really hard at school and camp, that most guys are really nice and understanding, and that even the outliers who say stupid stuff are genuinely nice guys. I also want to tell you that- especially in light of last week's events- I know that my problems are not the biggest problems a human could have. And that I'm not walking around constantly burdened by the entire weight of proving the world wrong. And that I know that everyone is burdened by some type of societal expectation.

Why do I feel the need to say all that stuff? If you know me, you probably already know that I like working hard (I'm in law school for crying out loud). And if I can be sexist without knowing it, you can infer that I don't think that having some sexist attitudes mean you're an irredeemably bad person (for more on that, here's a fantastic article talking about Nice Guy Sexism in the context of Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates). Of course you know that, as a white person, I know I'm insanely privileged to not have to fear for my life during a trip to the convenience store or a traffic stop. Anyone who's seen me dance knows I'm too dorky to be constantly burdened by anything. And if you know how much I love and like people, you know that I'm interested in what societal expectation preys on every person, what foul dust floats in the wake of his or her dreams. All of this is so obvious if you know me.

So why do I feel like I need to go back and tell you all of it? For the same two reasons I want you to know that I don't actually think I'm that nice or that smart or that funny. 

1. I don't think that I am nice, smart, funny, or socially aware enough to claim to be any of those things, and

2. I want you to like me, and I don't like prideful people, so I want you to know that I know that I'm flawed. I want to get ahead of any negative thoughts you may have about me and let you know that I have the same thoughts but I have them all the time.

But that level of self-consciousness is also unattractive, so now I want to make a joke to distract you from everything I've said and sort of reset your comfort level with this piece so that I can wind it down. 

Phew. Close one. Thanks Coco.

Obviously, I'm not giving up on being a feminist. Obviously, I would rather know what's wrong with the world and with myself than live in ignorance of it. And obviously, wanting to prove what I can do has pushed me to do things I wouldn't have done otherwise. I'm grateful for awareness and struggle and progress. And I am especially grateful for the people around me (one of whom inadvertently inspired this post, respect #DavidHolmesDay) who shape me and sharpen me into a better person.

At the end of the day, being a feminist is not about having all of this figured out. Ultimately, I think the best way to avoid perpetuating any sort of unfortunate -ism (sexism, racism, materialism, capitalism, eidolism, whatever) is to listen and think. As John Onwuchekwa preached this weekend: if you don't know, say you don't know, because silence reeks of apathy. Don't live in fear of offending someone, but do live in consideration that you might not have all the answers. Learn from people. Hear as many stories as you can, and broaden your horizons accordingly. If you wouldn't say it about yourself or your mother, think so so so so so much before say it about someone else or their mother. 

I'm trying to let go of the fears and internal struggles, to live in and with my imperfection. I'm going to keep being a feminist, even if I'm not always a good one. 

And if I start to feel bad about any of it again, I can always watch YouTube videos of Tom Hiddleston from those glorious pre-Taylor days. And who, having that, is poor?