When Will My Husband Return from the Sea?

Oct 15

Damien Chazelle’s Neil Armstrong biopic First Man came out last weekend. I love Damien Chazelle. I’m sure it’s great. But Buzzfeed’s Allison Willmore described Claire Foy’s role in it as “the uber ‘when will my husband return from sea’ role”, which made me laugh so hard for so many minutes. Combine that with Natalie Walker’s “audition to be in a movie as lady who is married to a history-making man and must wait expressively (in front of radio/TV/male authority figure talking on the phone) to find out if he will make history or not”, and I was struck by a muse.

The following is an excerpt of my latest and only screenplay. It plays out exactly as every single Oscar-bait period piece about A Great Man does. It is the perfect vehicle for any actress who is too talented to be playing such boring parts. Even though the film opens and closes on the woman, it is not about her. This film is guaranteed to win at least 11 Oscars.

(Also: of course I love love and marriage and couples supporting each other. I am just not sure that I have ever seen anything I would call a “healthy marriage” in an Oscar-bait movie, especially where a male genius is involved. That’s the joke here. Be cool. I also believe strongly in a woman’s right to be a stay-at-home mom!! IF SHE WANTS TO. Just wanted to say that too.)

Without further ado, Emily Eby presents: When Will My Husband Return From the Sea?

FADE IN:

EXT. SEASHORE – DAY

Waves lap against the rocky beach as seagulls dive into the ocean, coming up empty. There have been no fish in these waters. Not since DAVE STRONGLOVE went to sea.

INT. STRONGLOVE FAMILY HOME – LIVING ROOM – DAY

The melancholy ANITA SPUNKYTIME STRONGLOVE, devoted wife and mother and wife, stands and stares out the window at the sea. This goes on for hours. Occasionally she takes a drink from the world’s daintiest glass of alcohol; this action is only to reassure you that you are watching a moving film and not a still image of melancholy.

Anita is melancholy. You may think you know the meaning of the word melancholy, but the first sight of Anita’s face gives it new depths. Like depths of the sea. Which Dave is out to.

Anita is also beautiful, but not too beautiful. She’s the kind of beautiful that would be unattainable at, say, an awards ceremony, but her strategically placed wrinkles, added weight, unattractive outerwear, and dated hairstyle keep her from being, like, too hot. She’s hot enough for Dave to fall in love with her in the first place, but not too hot to keep Dave from ever going to sea. She is, even at her lowest point, at least 40% better looking than Dave. Who is at sea.

As Anita takes another sip of alcohol, she reminisces on the night she met Dave.

FADE TO FLASHBACK:

INT. CROWDED BAR – NIGHT

DAVE STRONGLOVE sits in the middle of a circular booth. Practically, this is the worst spot for anyone to ever sit in ever because what if you have to go to the bathroom or you see a woman and say “I must go to her” but visually, Dave must sit in the middle so that A) he can be well-lit and B) we can understand that he is better than every member of the merry group of friends in which he sits. Among these friends are ANDY, STEVE, and JOHN. Don’t waste your time remembering their names. They won’t come up again.

DAVE
Barkeep! Another round of alcohols for my merry friends!

ANDY
Classic Dave. It must be hard to be so handsome and so rich.

DAVE
It is. I can get any woman who wants me, which is all of them, and I never have to budget or save or use my friends’ HBO GO accounts. But of course, because I am a special man who is also brilliant, I am not satisfied. I have not considered changing my behavior or joining some sort of community service organization. It’s going to need to be another person who changes me.

Suddenly, the crowd parts. Dave sees a woman across the bar. It’s Anita, but without the wrinkles/weight/outerwear/hairstyle. She looks beautiful, like she was dressed by a team of professionals. Dave is in awe.

DAVE
I must go to her.

STEVE
Who?

Dave points at Anita.

DAVE
Her.

JOHN
(chuckling)
Fat chance, Dave. That’s Anita Spunkytime. She’s smart and beautiful, but she never ever dates anyone, ever. No man can tame her, which is of course the number one value in a marriage, is the taming.

ANDY
Anita’s turned down every man in this room. Twice! Plus she’s got a job, and only the most remarkable male specimen of all time could convince her to quit that job and raise children, which, again, is the most important thing and also the only possible way that children could grow up in a safe and loving home.

STEVE
Plus she’s the captain’s daughter!

Captain who? Of what? It doesn’t matter.

DAVE
We’ll just see about that.

Dave makes everyone get out of the booth, on both sides, so he can approach Anita.

DAVE
Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink?

Anita sizes him up, then laughs coldly (but also hotly) in his face.

ANITA
I don’t think so. I’m sure you’ve heard about me. I’m aloof.

DAVE
I have. I’ve heard your the smartest, prettiest, most unattainable girl in town. I’ve heard that your fierce, fiery, and good at your job, which you will never quit to raise children. I’ve heard your full of promise and you never ever date anyone ever. I’ve heard your Anita Spunkytime, and your out of reach.

ANITA
*you’re

Dave was not expecting this. With one word, Anita has shown that she is smarter than Dave, and may even have more potential than him. This makes Dave all the more determined to make her quit her job and raise his children, which, again, is the only way that children could ever possibly be raised.

DAVE
Let me buy you one drink. Just one. Then, if you don’t like me, you’ll never have to see me again.

Anita is hesitant, but she is young and beautiful, so she still drinks happy alcohol (not the sad alcohol she will someday drink. When Dave is at sea).

ANITA
Fine. One drink.

CUT TO:

INT. CHURCH – DAY

PRIEST
Do you, Anita, take Dave to be your lawfully wedded husband, to honor and to keep him, to quit your job and raise the children because—again—you quitting is the only possible way to do that, to look longingly across the dinner table at his empty place but never outright ask him to actually come home in time for said dinner, to suffer silently in a close-up shot as he risks his life to greater and greater extents, to cry on a tiled bathroom floor at the film’s lowest point, and to basically get less interesting and attractive for as long as you both shall live?

ANITA
(beaming)
I do.

PRIEST
Dave… you good?

DAVE
(also beaming)
I do.

CUT TO:

EXT. STRONGLOVE FAMILY HOME – DAY

A montage set to “Good Morning Life” by Dean Martin. Dave and Anita dance at their wedding. Dave carries Anita across the threshold of their new home. Dave and Anita kiss while washing dishes. Dave pats Anita’s ladylike three-month baby bump. You know, happy stuff.

The montage shows that time has passed. The music fades as Dave comes home from work one day.

DAVE
(opening the door)
Darling, I have great news! My theorem won sixteen Nobel prizes today!

Anita enters, cradling a baby in each arm and also somehow mending a shirt and stirring a pot of stew, which, even through the screen, smells delicious.

ANITA
That’s wonderful, dear!

Anita does not mention her theorem from six years ago, which did the same thing in half the time. Who cares? This is Dave’s moment. Sort of like yesterday. And the day before that. And…

DAVE
Now they want me to test it out!

ANITA
That’s wonderful, dear! But doesn’t your theorem require the subject to go to space for three months, then become the sniper who single-handedly wins the war, then write the Great American Novel, then defeat the world heavyweight boxing champ, then whip enough votes to pass it in the Senate, then tour with a jazz band for three months, culminating in setting out to sea indefinitely?

DAVE
(gravely)
Anita, you know that it does.

ANITA
(still very much holding two babies)
I’m just a little concerned that…

This next part is the part that they’ll play on the Oscars when he gets nominated for Best Actor.

DAVE
That what, Anita? That man will never achieve his highest purpose in the universe? Because that’s what I’m afraid of. Listen, I’m scared too. Testing my theorem scares the s--t outta me. But I also know that if I don’t do this, if I don’t push this boundary, that Dave Jr. the First and Dave Jr. the Second will never believe that they can be somebody. That’s right, Anita. I’m doing this………….. for us.

Anita is now wearing lingerie (and holding no babies).

ANITA
You show them, Dave. You show them all.

CUT TO:

INT. SCIENCE LAB – DAY

Dave is in a science lab filled with various random objects: a saxophone, a shooting range, a tiger named Richard Parker. Anita and CHESTER PUSHINGTON, Dave’s visionary boss who has a mustache, watch from behind the glass in another room. Dave bench-presses over and over again as assistants add more weight. Anita bites her nails.

CHESTER
More.

Dave is benching hundreds of pounds. Anita looks at Chester.

CHESTER
(slightly louder)
More.

Dave’s face is pouring sweat like a waterfall. Anita leans forward in her chair.

CHESTER
(louder still)
More!

Dave’s muscles are bursting through his shirt. Anita stands up.

CHESTER
(slams the table)
I said more, dammit!

The assistants add the last weight, which says “DO NOT ADD” in big red letters on the side. Anita wails an ungodly cry and reaches out to touch the glass. Then she whirls around on Chester. This next part is the part that they’ll play when she gets nominated at the Oscars (for Best Supporting Actress, obviously, even though Anita has exactly as much screen time as Dave).

ANITA
(turning on Chester)
You monster! Can’t you see what you’re doing to him?? Now as you can tell by my limited speaking time in this half of the movie, I may not be a smart woman. And as you can tell by my wrinkles and my overcoat, I may not be an attractive woman. But I’ll tell you one thing, sir: I am a good woman. And a good woman knows what’s right. And this, this thing that you’re doin’ to him... it ain’t right.

CHESTER
Is that so?

Chester points through the glass at Dave, now standing on the shoulders of the lab assistants and, with one hand, lifting the weight that says “DO NOT ADD.” Anita bursts into tears. But in, like, an attractive way, to show that she was wrong.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVE’S OFFICE – DAY

Dave is typing loudly on his typewriter, even though computers exist. He hears a knock on his door.

KITTY
Excuse me, Dr. Stronglove?

Dave looks up to see KITTY D’ISTRACTION, a student at the university where Dave researches. She’s probably blonde. But only if Anita is brunette. If Anita is blonde, Kitty has red hair.

DAVE
Yes, how can I help you?

KITTY
I was just reading your thesis in the library and I have some questions. Do you have a minute?

DAVE
Of course.

Kitty enters the office and spreads out on the divan. Suddenly she is eating grapes.

KITTY
I noticed on page 133 that your wife doesn’t understand you.

DAVE
That’s right. She has all of these outrageous, unreasonable demands, like “come home sometimes” and “say words to me” and “remember your son’s name, it’s literally Dave.”

KITTY
That’s crazy. She sounds crazy.

DAVE
She is!

KITTY
I’m pretty hot.

DAVE
You are!

KITTY
We should have an affair.

DAVE
We will!

They do.

CUT TO:

INT. STRONGLOVE FAMILY HOME – NIGHT

Anita brushes her teeth in their tiled bathroom. She opens a drawer and, under some pill bottles, finds Dave’s to do list. It reads “Today: do theorem, eat lunch, continue to have affair.” After a moment, Anita sinks down to the tile floor to ugly-cry. The affair is never addressed again.

CUT TO:

EXT. SEASIDE PORT – DAY

The day has finally come. Dave has successfully tested every part of his theorem and is about to embark on the last leg of his trip: an indefinite trip to sea. Anita walks beside him to the ship, looking much more aged and matronly than Dave despite the exact same amount of time passing for both of them. Their fourteen children stand behind Anita. Typically when you introduce new characters in a screenplay, you capitalize their names. I don’t need to do that for these children; they’re all named DAVE JR.

DAVE SR.
Well, I guess this is it.

Anita says nothing, but she sheds a single tear.

DAVE SR.
Don’t cry, my love.

ANITA
(still crying)
I won’t.

The cutest Dave approaches its father.

THE CUTEST DAVE
Father, why are you going to sea?

DAVE
(choking up for the one and only time in this film)
For you, Dave.

THE CUTEST DAVE
And when will you be coming back?

Dave Sr. produces, somehow, a snowglobe.

DAVE
You see this snowglobe, buddy? When this snowglobe strikes twelve while also pointing north, I’ll be right here all along.

Dave Sr. points at The Cutest Dave’s heart. The Cutest Dave nods, then takes the snowglobe. The Cutest Dave is the only child who gets a snowglobe. Dave #6 notices this and, though it never comes up in the movie or the novelization of the movie or in the Greatness of Dave Extended Universe (the GDEU) or anywhere else, Dave #6 never forgets it.

DAVE
(turning to Anita)
Your my life, Anita. I’ll always return to you.

ANITA
(tearfully, as if for the last time)
*You’re.

This is a callback to the night they met.

Dave turns, takes his bags, boards the ship. As he approaches the captain’s wheel, he turns and looks back at Anita one last time. She is now wearing lingerie and holding, somehow, a brand-new baby.

ANITA
(whispering)
Farewell.

CUT TO:

INT. STRONGLOVE FAMILY HOME – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Back to the scene from the beginning. Anita, melancholy, dainty alcohol, staring at sea. The seagulls continue to dive, and still there are no fish. You now understand that this is because Dave has gone to sea, taking all that is good with him. The Cutest Dave, now a 35-year-old man, approaches his mother from behind and puts his hand on her shoulder. Without looking, she touches his hand, and delivers the final monologue in voiceover as the music swells and the camera pulls out across the sea.

ANITA (offscreen)
My husband—my Dave—he’s a great man, but no greater than any other man. He just does what is right. He can’t help it. Did he leave me to raise fifteen Daves by myself? Sure. Did his theorem make any money for his family to live on? No it did not. But what you have to understand about my husband—my Dave—is that he’s a great man. Greater than most men. He was never mine to hold. He belongs to the night. He belongs to the world. He belongs………………...…...to the sea.