Bey and Me

I’ve had this post under my proverbial hat for a lonnnng time. That’s important for you all to know. I didn’t come up with this all at once. That would be deeply unsettling. I’m only almost as ridiculous as I seem. Okay.

If you’re reading this, you know how I feel about Beyonce. I’ll never hide my admiration for the real-life Wonder Woman that is Beyonce Knowles: woman, wife, mother, international music phenomenon, dancer, actress, political activist, and my fellow Houstonian. She’s basically everything that I’ve ever wanted to be, all at once. 

So why wouldn’t I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly could? And why should I keep our awesome best friend times just between me and Bey?

For the good of humanity, I have decided:

I have to star in some movies with Beyonce.

But these can’t be just any movies! These have to be movies that speak to the human condition, the loyalty of best friends, and how great Beyonce and I would look in all sorts of elaborate costumes. 

With these criteria in mind, I present to you three of my best ideas for movies starring Beyonce and myself (plus a few bonus ideas that are still taking shape), from least favorite to most favorite.

3. Mérmaid

An uplifting comedy/fantasy.

Splash meets You’ve Got Mail.

I play a marine biologist at the top of my field, doing research on a rare breed of dolphin for a private firm based out of the Bahamas and run by married couple BJ Novak and Mindy Kaling. When my roguish coworker Aaron Tveit and I are sent on a weeklong research trip to study dolphins on a remote island, the last thing we expect to find is love. The second-to-last thing we expect to find is a mermaid. Spoiler alert: we find both.

Aaron Tveit is the blonde guy from Les Mis, so our movie pretty much starts off like this:

What? It’s an island! He was swimming! It’s relevant to the plot. Don’t you dare judge me.

Also, the height difference is inaccurate… he’s actually a full seven inches taller than me. I know. I checked. Online.

You’ll notice that in the sky, you can see the plane that dropped us off. For science.

Anyway, Aaron and I are studying dolphins very academically when we come across a mermaid (played by Beyonce, obviously) searching for her merhusband Jay-Z, who went missing near the island where our corporation is headquartered. Chaos ensues as we search the nearby islands for Jay-Z and try to keep the pair of mythical creatures from our apparently evil employers. 

I’m not sure how it all happens, but the mercouple finds each other, the evil corporation is overthrown, and it all ends with mine and Aaron’s wedding at which Beyonce is the mermaid of honor. Also the dolphins are probably saved. All in all, this is an uplifting tale (lol tail) that ends in me being best friends with Beyonce. Huzzah!

2. All the Psychic Ladies

A buddy comedy with a slight hint of supernatural thriller.

Baby Mama meets Ghostbusters.

I play an office worker who has a mundane life until one day, I start having weird psychic visions that someone is trying to kill my boss, Jay-Z. I dismiss these visions at first, but then I stumble upon carnival fortune-teller Beyonce (whose name in the film is probably Celeste Babylonia or something like that), who is having the same visions. I try to warn Jay-Z, but he won’t listen… that is, until Beyonce shows up. 

All the Psychic Ladies also stars Harry Styles in his acting debut as a beautiful idiot/reporter. He stumbles across the unlikely team of me and Bey while researching for an expose on psychics, and accidentally joins the team. We save Jay-Z’s life, couples pair off exactly as you would expect them to, and it ends happily ever after. 

The best part of this nonexistent movie is when we burst in on the would-be assassin (Kevin Costner playing against type), yell “put your hands UP!”, and share a joint vision in which the whole cast does the Single Ladies dance. Plot-wise, this is never addressed. 

Saving the best for last:

1. Law on Top

A gritty crime drama.

Think Pelican Brief or The Departed, but just a bit more light-hearted. Not too lighthearted though. This film is released wide in early January. It’s Oscar bait, people. Oscar bait.

The plot of this one is still pretty nebulous, much more so than the first two, but it has the best poster so this one is my favorite.

Beyonce plays an edgy police detective who stumbles upon a lead in a high-profile murder case of like a politician or something, but before she can follow up, she gets suspended from the force for punching a rapist in the interrogation room. The police chief (Joseph Gordon Levitt) encourages Bey to follow up on her own. Her only hope is to take the case to her best friend from college, assistant district attorney ME. The district attorney (Jay-Z) has personal ties to the case, and so the four of us team up to bring down the kingpin who made this all happen (Sean Connery, coming out of retirement because of how compelling this script is). The climax is a long courtroom scene in which it looks like we are going to lose but then Beyonce and I discover a clue at the last possible second and come up with a theory so crazy that it just might be true and I piece together the most tearjerkingly poignant closing argument the world has ever seen and then WE WIN THE CASE and Sean Connery is behind bars and the day is saved!

Also Jay-Z falls for Beyonce and JGL is so intrigued by my eloquent and powerful beauty that each girl marries the other’s boss, setting us up for a really great sequel if that’s the direction we decide to take it.

Bonus ideas:

Crazy in Time (time-travel comedy, with a bit of gravitas about fate or something): It’s Bill and Ted, but backwards and in high heels. The only other thing I have written down for this is “time-traveling queens?” so there’s that. Emily’s love interest: Thanks to the magic of time-travel, 1988 Tom Hanks.

Irreplaceable (Disney Channel-style feel-good film): Bey… or Eby? It’s a switcheroo, Princess and the Pauperess story. I get confused for Beyonce all the time, so this should be a cinch. Emily’s love interest: Justin Timberlake.

Halo (documentary): Beyonce and I play Halo and talk about our feelings for a few hours. Emily’s love interest: Prince Harry, who wanders in and realizes that I’m what he’s been missing all along, and vows to give up his wild ways to prove that he loves me. I’m indifferent at first, but eventually won over.

I want you all to know that I am absurdly embarrassed by all of this. Almost embarrassed enough to not post it.

Almost.