Please Don’t Ruin This for Me
There is a special circle of hell reserved for some people.
Of course, I don’t mean that theologically. I’m not trying to get all tangled up in belief systems or whatnot.
When I say that there is a special circle of hell reserved for some people, what I mean is that there are some things that people do that I judge more harshly. It’s not, like, using the wrong “to/too/two” or leaving your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot or even misusing the word “literally.” All of those things are borderline evil, but not bad enough to get you into my metaphorical special circle of hell.
Everybody has their own standard for this special circle. Dante, of course, calls it the Ninth Circle of Hell, and keeps it for the treacherous and those guilty of fraud. On Firefly, Shepherd Book warns baby Richard Castle Captain Mal that he’s risking “a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.” Captain Jack Sparrow believes that “the deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers.”
So who (besides the obvious: molesters, murderers, and the like) is in my metaphorical circle of hell? A brief list:
People who treat bus drivers and drive-thru clerks like servants (just look them in the eye, people! It’s not that hard!)
People who don’t like Tom Hanks
People who give judgmental looks at the gym (I’M TRYING)
Allison Argent from Teen Wolf
Grown men who wear Speedos to family waterparks
People who win happiness points by ruining stuff for other people
That last one is what I am going to rant about for just a second. I understand not liking stuff. Nobody likes everything. If you liked everything, your heart would probably explode and you would probably die. It’s totally fine not to like stuff. But to try to convince other people not to like stuff that they like, or to make people feel bad for liking stuff that they like? That is the actual worst.
Let me give you an example.
I love Taylor Swift’s latest album, Red. I think it is seriously so good. If you don’t like it, or do not think it is good, that is okay. I will think you are wrong, but you will think you are right. So you and I will just agree to avoid discussion of Taylor Swift’s Red, and if you are in my car, I will pick Mumford & Sons or Justin Timberlake or something instead.
But if you hear me humming a few bars of 22 or you hear I Knew You Were Trouble on a playlist that I made and you scoff, “Psh, who put Taylor Swift on here?” and I boldly declare, “It was me!” and you’re all like, “You don’t seriously like Taylor Swift, do you?” and I retort, “Yeah, I definitely do,” and you are like, “But she’s terrible,” and I’m like, “No she isn’t!” and you’re like, “But [chord progressions or Harry Styles or whatever your stupid hypothetical problem with Taylor Swift is]!” That is what gets you into my special circle of hell. You just tried to talk me out of loving a thing that I love, and that is rude. You just tried to ruin Taylor Swift for me. I now hate you.
Okay, I don’t hate you. But I do want you to understand how you sound when you try to take away a thing that I love like that. You may not like Taylor Swift. But it is mean of you to try to ruin Taylor Swift for me!
But here’s the thing: I do not want to make people afraid to talk to me about anything ever. It’s totally okay if you don’t like the things that I like! But please, for the love of Pete, do not be aggressively negative about my stuff. In return, I promise to not be aggressively negative about your stuff.
These are the top things that I will ask you (“you” being the collective entity of my friends) not to try to ruin for me:
Tom Hanks (NEVER BESMIRCH TOM HANKS. I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT. HE IS AMERICA’S ACTOR.)
The book Ella Enchanted
Beyoncé
Almost any character from Lost
Any character from Community (especially Abed)
Vincent Van Gogh (very very misunderstood)
The majority of romantic comedies from 1989-2001
Mindy Kaling/The Mindy Project
All six Avengers but especially Black Widow (not because she’s my favorite but because she gets the most flak)
My family and friends (…should have been higher on the list, but I figured it was obvious)
To a lesser extent, things that I love even though I know they’re silly: Teen Wolf, One Direction, The Lake House, etc.
In return, here are some things that I hate that I promise not to try to ruin for you guys. I will still say that I hate them, but I will avoid referring to them as objectively “bad.” Especially if you like them.
Anne Hathaway
Wes Anderson movies that aren’t Fantastic Mr. Fox (because I love that one)
Essentially all video games (like seriously, what is the deal with Skyrim? Sorry.)
Tennis
Soccer
Game of Thrones (I try really hard not to care about Game of Thrones but Daenerys is so cool and I just want Arya to be happy)
Civil War history (too many amputations)
World War I history (too many trenches)
Fast and Furious movies
Transformers movies
The Way We Were (Movie, not song. Obviously the song is perfection.)
The Karate Kid remake
Rent
I promise not to ruin things for you if you promise not to ruin things for me. Thank you so much for understanding.