Effusively Yours

A few weeks ago, I ran a Twitter poll. The question:

Let me explain the third part. How I Met Your Mother, a show that I loved but is mostly dead to me now, had this great storyline about Marshall being a "Stamp Tramp." Marshall earns this slightly vulgar moniker when he runs into an old buddy and recommends that buddy wholeheartedly for a job at Marshall's law firm. His friend turns out to be terrible at the job, and Marshall's friends tease him for giving his stamp of approval too freely to too many people and things. Ergo, Stamp Tramp.

That thing of enthusiastically recommending a friend for a job and them being terrible at it? Yeah I did that exact thing in high school. I've always identified with Marshall (a goofy idealistic lawyer who sings everything he does), but that episode hit especially close to home. 

I've been reminded of the Stamp Tramp recently because it's awards season! Time for the Oscars, the Golden Globes, and all things prestige filmmaking. I haven't seen as many of the Best Picture nominees as I'd like, but I'd say I've seen about half of the contenders. Last year, my opinion on the Best Picture nominees sounded like Leslie Knope's opinions on animals: "Mad Max?" "LOVE." "Spotlight?" "LOVE." "The Big Short?" "LOVE." "The Revenant?" "No opinion... It's a lazy narrative." This year so far, I am all praise. Moonlight made me feel everything so much. Arrival was both intelligent and meaningful. La La Land is what the inside of my soul looks like (although I don't want it to win stuff but that's for another time). I literally can't think of a flaw in Hidden Figures. I have been recommending these movies left and right. The adjective that keeps coming to my mind is "effusive," a term which here means "expressing profuse feelings of pleasure or approval in an unrestrained and heartfelt manner."

Maybe I'm too effusive.

I saw Moonlight with a friend whose opinions I greatly respect, especially where film is concerned. He liked it, but was able to intelligently point out things that could have been done better. Though I know he's right, I was too in love with it to agree. I had dinner over the break with a film-brain-twin-buddy, who was similarly unimpressed by Moonlight, as well as by Loving (which didn't end up getting nominated but still turned me inside out). I am still unable to logically critique these movies because wow my whole heart loves them both so much. On my favorite podcast, two of my four most trusted panelists weren't in love with Hidden Figures.

None of these people are trying to steal my joy or make me like these movies less. But the mere fact that they're able to have clear eyes about these things, whereas I am only able to have a full heart, makes me wonder if the little discernment I have has completely atrophied. So I asked Twitter the question above. Do I like things too much?

THE RESULTS WERE CONFUSING.

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? Six said you don't and six said keep it up? I thought we left weird and unhelpful poll results in 2016!

But seriously, this did not help me. And I know a lot of my blog posts come out like "ra ra go Emily don't change be yourself," but the reality is that there are plenty of things about myself that are not good. I want to know about those things, and fix (most of) them. I'm never gonna stop vehemently defending the word literally or waiting until the last possible moment to do laundry. But if I'm so effusive that it's bad, I should recalibrate.

Let's attack this in my favorite way: with a CHART.

So the good things—connecting to people, expanding my worldview, being generally as happy as a Big Mouth Billy Bass—are really good. And the bad things—losing cred and driving people nuts—seem easy for people to avoid by not choosing to spend time with me. At the end of the day, I think that liking things a lot gives me opportunities to connect with people, and reinforces optimism. I'm not going to stop being effusive, partially because I can't, but mostly because I don't think I should.

So the structure of this post is weird, because I've decided that I'm not going to change after all but this still feels like the middle of the post. What I've decided to do now is provide you with

A Guide to Dealing With an Overly Effusive Person

Has this ever happened to you: a new coworker, classmate, or friend won't stop talking about stuff she likes? The cubicles or classrooms are filled with her enthusiasm about long-sleeved t-shirts, taco shops, or Scarlett Johansson's portrayal of Black Widow, and all you can think is "when will it end???" 

Never fear, reader! Using some very inside information, I have assembled a guide for you. Now you can deal with an Overly Effusive Person (or OEP) with a skill and dexterity that other Normal Reaction People (NRPs) can only dream of. 

Step 1: If you're already annoyed, get out now. End the friendship or move cubicles or whatever because it's only going to get more annoying from here. If you cannot get out, invest in a pair of headphones. The good ones. Wireless and noise-cancelling. Do not skimp on this.

Step 2: When the OEP tells you how much she likes something or someone, ask her why. Her reasons (or lack thereof) will help you decide if the thing is actually good or not.  

Step 3: Spend a lot of friendship time doing things like eating out, driving around town, or wearing shiny clothes. If the OEP starts talking about something you don't care about, use her surroundings to distract her from whatever it is. If you're in a restaurant, pretend like you just saw Dave Chappelle walk out and you promised your dying nephew you'd get an autograph. The OEP will spend the rest of the day trying to find him. If you're in the car, pretend like you just saw Clay Matthews. The OEP will get distracted Googling who that is. If you're wearing shiny clothes, just give a lil shimmy. Distraction is your key to mental peace. 

Step 4: Never experience the thing the OEP loves with her. She will be so excited that it will embarrass you, and you will feel undue pressure to like the thing as much as she does. Go to mediocre movies. Eat okay food. Never play trivia together.

Step 5: Always take the OEP along as a wingman. The only person she won't be able to find common ground with is that guy who is so proud of not owning a TV, and come on, you don't want to be friends with that guy anyway.

This post isn't particularly insightful or personal. Sorry(ish) about that. But next time you invite me to see a movie, know this: there's a solid chance it'll be the only thing you hear about for the next two weeks.

Or it might be The Revenant, in which case I hope the bear kills me instead of maiming Leo.

Can't win 'em all.