Poof! You’re Over Feminism

Oh my gosh, Stacy? Hey girl! I haven't seen you since high school, but here we are, both walking down Facebook Street at the same time! So crazy! How have you been?

That's great! I'm glad you're enjoying three random, common activities... let's say your Zumba classes, watching Grey's Anatomy, and going to college for nursing.

What have I been up to? Oh, you know, just school, friends, TV, movies, the usual. 

What's that? Oh, you saw that? Haha, yeah, I did attend the Women's March at the Capitol last Saturday. It was a really cool exp-

Wait, what did you say?

Oh. Okay. I see. 

I'm sorry you feel that way, but... can I tell you something crazy? This actually perfect: last weekend, on my way to the march, I saved this really really old woman from getting hit by a car. And–I know this is gonna sound nuts–I think she might have been a real-life witch. Because in return for saving her life, she actually gave me the power to magically make a woman truly get over feminism.

I know, crazy, right? I haven't tested it out yet, because why on Earth would I ever use that power, but this seems like the ideal scenario! I mean, you hate feminism, right? Why don't I use my brand new powers to keep you from ever becoming the thing you so despise?

You seem less than enthusiastic, but I'm going to take your "yes" at face value. So here we go:

By all the powers of Ernest Hemingway, Christopher Hitchens, and white women everywhere, I banish the devil of feminism from you!!

Huh. That's... weird. I don't really know how this thing works, so maybe let's just meet back up in a week to see how this thing goes. Is that cool? Okay, see you in a week! Bye Stacy!

Hey Stacy! How's it go-

Whoa, hey slow down. Take some deep breaths. Let's just...

I know. I know you're mad at me. I'm getting that from your face. Let's just take it one step at a time. What are you mo-

Oh. Okay. Maybe I should've explained this before the spell. I don't know why I didn't. I guess you just seemed so sure of yourself. Well, a feminist is simply a person who believes in the social, economic, and political equality of the sexes. What did you think it wa- Actually, it doesn't matter. The reason that all these things are happening to you is because you said you didn't believe that, and never would!

Yeah, let's go through what exactly is happening to you. I guess your first question is about your clothes. You want to know why all of your outfits suddenly look like a pre-20th century American Girl doll.

So you said you didn't believe in the equality of the sexes. If you were choosing to wear long skirts only, maybe for a religious reason or just because they look bomb at a beach wedding, that would be feminism, because equality of the sexes means choosing what you wear. But since you said you don't believe in feminism, your entire wardrobe has been forcibly replaced with clothes that cover you from neck to wrist to toe (with that sexy little peasant number above for showing your wrists around the house). This getup is what many women had to wear basically until the women of the 1920s decided to start wearing shorter skirts! Of course, any time a woman wore a skirt above the knee, men were saying things like this...

The first group of American women to wear shorter skirts (and bob their hair) had to do so for themselves, despite what the men of the time wanted. This means that flappers were, I'm sorry to tell you, feminists. 

What about pants? Oh, Stacy Stacy Stacy, the first women to wear pants were even more daring! Take Mary Edwards Walker, the Medal of Honor-winning surgeon who was arrested for wearing pants multiple times throughout the second half of the 19th century. Or Luisa Capetillo, the Puerto Rican writer who was arrested for wearing pants in 1919. Or Helen Hulick, the kindergarten teacher who was arrested for wearing pants in 1938. When the judge told Helen not to come into his courtroom wearing pants again, she told the LA Times, "I'll come back in slacks and if he puts me in jail I hope it will help to free women forever of anti-slackism." I'm sorry to tell you that women can only wear pants because of the dedicated slacktivism of feminists, the very group you can't stand. Because of your wish, you, a committed non-feminist, are stuck in skirts.

What's next? Oh, your Zumba classes? Yeah, if you want to do any sort of dance in front of other people, you gotta thank Mademoiselle De Lafontaine. In 1681, she danced in the ballet at the Paris Opera. Before that, women's parts in ballets had been danced by men. Juana la Macarrona did the same for flamenco. If you want to switch to a belly dancing class, you're gonna have to thank the groundbreaking film work of Taheyya Kariokka, Samia Gamal, and Nelly Mazloum. Your exercise-dancing would probably be considered too provocative period without the daring flapper-era performances of Josephine Baker. Sorry, girl, but you owe your ability to take Zumba classes to feminists. If you're denouncing feminism, those go too. 

You can't watch Grey's Anatomy anymore? Yeah, showrunner/creator Shonda Rhimes is one of the most prominent feminists in television. Shonda broke down barriers in a world that is dominated by men. She also runs Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder, so those are out. And I hate to tell you this, but the lady friendship and professional women on Grey's Anatomy are hallmarks of the belief that women can anchor a TV show just as well as men can. That's right, Stacy. Feminism strikes again. Look on the bright side: you can totally still watch The Big Bang Theory, plus the whole back catalog of Two and a Half men. Thanks, Chuck Lorre!

And speaking of medical professionals, I am so sorry you had to drop out of college. Catherine Brewer Benson, Alice M. Robinson, Catherine Hall, and Mary Jane Patterson really ruined for you what they made possible for the rest of us. I know you wanted to pursue nursing. But even that wouldn't be possible if not for Clara Barton, Florence Nightingale, and other women who literally went to war because they wanted to use their gifts to help and they believed in the power of females in medicine. Maybe you could try a different profession, like... Oof. I can't think of one that those before you haven't paved the way for. Well, I can think of one, but that's kind of a sore subject. 

You can't be a diplomat. You can't be a physicist. You can't run a hotel. You can't be a banker. You can't create films. I regret to inform you that you can't even choose to be a stay-at-home mom, because some of the greatest unsung feminists are moms who decide to stay home and raise their kids. There's no door you could walk through that hasn't been opened before you by a woman who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. Also known as a feminist. 

Listen, Stacy. I'm not saying that you have to burn your bra or read Simone de Beauvoir or vote Democrat or attend a Women's March. To be honest, I'm not actually asking you to change your life at all right now. But Stace, I don't think feminism means what you think it means. It's simply the radical notion that women are people. I know you think we have it better in the 21st century than we ever have before. And maybe that's true. But don't you want your daughter to have it better than you do?

The pay gap between what women make and what men make at the same job is very real, and it's worse for women of color and mothers. At this rate, the pay gap will not close until the year 2152. Don't you want the money you've earned... now?

Lots of men are great. We feminists love those. Call me any time of the day or night to talk about the scrumptious and supportive husbands from Hidden Figures. But rape statistics are still out of control, on college campuses and off. Don't you want your daughters, your friends, and normal human women you've never met to be safe? Don't you want you to be safe?

Yes, we've come so far. But if womankind (OR mankind, for that matter) ever decided to be satisfied with the way things are, we never would have made computers and the wi-fi they use or discovered the stars and the dark matter around them. We're created to reach for better. It's in our DNA. 

As a woman, when you are able to reach for better, it is because of the women who went before you, whether you acknowledge them or not. Whether you know their names or not. You may think you're over feminism, but I've got some bad news, girl: just about everything you do and say was made possible by a feminist breaking barriers for you. You stand on the shoulders of giants, so please stop acting so tall. 

And me? I'm a feminist because I want my daughters' generation to reach higher by standing on my shoulders. Just like all those women I mentioned above, and my mom, did for me. 

Feminists are not the enemy. We are each other. We all look different and have different priorities. We don't want to rule over men (most days), but we don't want them to silence us. At the end of the day, we just want a fair shot.

And we're pretty sure you do too.

But even if you don't, let's get you up. We're gonna go find that witch and ask her to undo the curse, maybe for some magic beans or something. Because girl, I love you, but that pilgrim getup is seriously heinous.

What time is your Zumba class on Tuesdays?